I wish I had much nicer things to write about when it’s me. I’m going through a lot. If my ex and I hadn’t gotten back together, the pain might not be as bad. I’m in city that’s not mine, with no way to get around on my own and no job yet. It’s the holidays and my emotions are being bombarded with nostalgia. I miss him more than I miss my family….and I miss them a lot. I miss my city, with her lights and music. I’m so tired of being around my roommates in a house that’s not mine. I’m tired of sleeping on an air mattress and waking to baby cries before the sun is up. I miss the sun. My room is so dark I can’t even see my favorite way to wake up. I know things will be better, and I know that god has big plans….he keeps reminding me. and i’m so thankful for being so loved. But i’m just feeling so trapped.
If only I didn’t miss him so much. All of this would be that much easier to deal with. I want to see him smile and laugh. I want to hear him say my name when he wants to show me a song or funny video. I want to hug him and just be in his arms, listening to his heartbeat. But I can’t.
And I’m falling apart.